Writers’ block? No. Writers’ blank page.


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**** This may not make sense to you. Treat it as abstract or rubbish it as garble, be my guest. Show me love, hate or just say what you like in the comments, I really look forward to those****

I recall the many blank pages I have tried to make my mark on this year. There have just been too many. Why is it so difficult for me to pen down anything? After all, a writer’s got to write! Come on scriberita! Well I can and have been writing, but only if it has reached that point where I have no choice but I have to (for work). So here this is me, trying to break the trend of blank pages.

I would like to thank Rachel, an amazing person who I am privileged to call friend. She lovingly prodded me on to this point where I have finally been able to type this. So Rach, thank God for you. This one is dedicated to Jesus, Rach and blank pages. Thanks for teaching me grace, giving me time and letting me be. I have come to realize I am not the only one (among writers) that faces this problem of blank pages. Many high and low for remedies, inspiration, reasons, etc. For me, however, these blank pages have taught me something.

The blank pages remind me that I am more than just a writer,

The blank pages mean a time of rest to recover, to think, to wait,

The blank pages indicate surrender, that I am holding back,

The blank pages have taught me silence is good, to heal my heart,

The blank pages indicate lost time, opportunity and teach me to not let others pass me by

The blank pages, I want to give them to God, so He can scribble on them, doodles maybe, or paint pretty pictures and write love songs to me, :)

The blank pages, some I can recover and some I have even forgotten about, beckon me to write again,

The blank pages piled, mean time’s up, go write your heart out,

The blank pages gave opportunity to my close few to prove they love me even though I have not accomplished much in these many weeks.

However, enough blank pages! Life is too short, may you and I and all around not have anymore blank pages, or wasted time and rise up to fill life; to live it bold and strong. May nothing cause you to hold back and let your pages be blank (metaphorically and literally). Thank you all who have been gracious to me in this time of blank pages. Now, is the time to rise above, to fill, to catch up, to share. No more being afraid to let the world know about what I feel, to express in words that will be recorded in black and white. I’m back. Different, but still what I was made to be, me, not just a writer, a human who needed some time to grieve. Who lost and loved, and loved and lost and continually finds all I need to find in Jesus. Here I stand stripped of everything I thought I was, to know who I really am. Now when I write, I write stronger. Now when I feel, I shall feel deeply. Now when I dance, I dance bigger. Now when I sing, I sing heartier. Why? Because, I am maturing. What hasn’t killed me, has made me stronger. I took time to stop and stare, to smell the roses. To feel the pain and deal with it; I didn’t numb it down. People feel the need to numb it down, as people around them do not let them feel. They have had to face the problem of people walking away because they couldn’t take the time of sorrow in their lives. People say don’t cry, let it go, etc that only means suppress it you cry baby. If you have friends that let you cry for as long as you want, who let you express without accusing you of being negative, well you have found goldmine/s. I have some really awesome friends who get it. Thank the Lord for them. I learnt that feelings make us human, so feel!

The joy of the Lord is your strength indeed, but it has nothing to do with a smiling face and a laughing mouth. Joy can be evident in the strength you possess in the midst of a storm. Joy is trusting and knowing that no matter what, I will make it through Jesus. Jesus, my Lord, can make me walk on water above the raging waves or calm the storm with just one word, or even work out a new awesome way.

He did something new in me, He is doing something new in me. Here I am, the blank pages taught me joy.

Dear diary


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If I were to write a diary entry today, it would be something like this:

30 March 2015,

Dear diary,

Woke up this morning, everything felt different. I was not in my bed and there were no familiar sounds or disturbances. There was no one to answer the doorbell and I had to jump my self out of stupor and answer the door. I soon realise, the loss, the change, it kicks in. She is not there. I remind myself, take the dog for a walk, cook your own breakfast, feed the dog, get ready for work, it’s a day to wash your hair, uggh it’s Monday morning… Only relief is my sister has a holiday, so for once I can ask her to take the dog for a walk this early and sleep for half an hour more.

I sleep. It helps to forget for a while, and restart the day on a better note. I do not get up for the alarm. I get late. So, no time to ponder, no time for breakfast. That’s okay. Breakfast is no fun anyway, since I make it for myself and there’s no one to talk to.

I’ll head to work and eat my breakfast, there will be strangers around, but at least I won’t feel lonely. I sit in a rickshaw, call my favourite person in the world, just talk because I need to hear a voice. He sings me a song. Wow! the day gets a bit better. I reach office. The routine, breakfast, tea and my thoughts. I wonder since when is it okay for me to eat carbs. It kills to take a bite, because I remember how healthy my breakfast was when mom was around. Boiled eggs, a fresh fruit smoothie and mom talking about random things.

Then I write today, because I think it’s time to let it out. I read. I read about others grief and how they handle it. It gets me to think. Why did I stop writing? Maybe because I was afraid to feel and think. I can do this. I was made to write. I am a writer. I try. I wonder. I try again. Then I write. Begin with a little. Share that precious photograph. The one that speaks to you of strength. So, I share my heart, my grief. My hand trembles as I am about to hit publish. What will people think? They will think I’m whining. It will depress them. I save a draft. Then the thought hits me. I hear the Lord speak. He points out at the comfort I had found in others who dealt with grief. How their words resounded with love and encouragement. How they documented their healing process. How good it feels to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, why not be a hope and light unto others?

I hit publish. It is okay for people to know I am not okay. I do not have to be strong on my own. I can depend on Jesus. I can glorify His name by being in pain and allowing others to see my healing process. Others can see His healing touch in my life. They have to see my sickness first. Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve this loss? The Lord reminds me of the blind man in the Book of John, Chapter 9:

1. Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him

It hurts! I have to trust Him. I sing to myself: Bless the Lord oh my soul!

I sang the song when we carried my mother’s body to the grave. It still comforts me. I still trust God. It is so hard. Then I come across this:

I had forgotten this quote that I shared in my July 5, 2006 journal entry. It held me up then and it holds me up now. It was written by Jim Chaffee, caregiver and husband to his wife, Janice, who died in February 2007 after a 3-year battle with multiple myeloma.
“So when my spirit screams “…where the hell are you, God?” my questioning void is filled with the companionship of the One who cried, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” There is no formula here, people, no four easy steps to lead us into understanding grief, no purpose driven “ah-ha” to explain why all this is happening. Christ simply and passionately hikes up His robe, sits down next to me, pulls my tear-stained face into His chest, and He weeps…He weeps with me, He weeps for my wife, He weeps long, deep, body rattling sobs, with snot and tears dripping from His chin. He weeps. From the bowels of one who has felt forsaken, who has felt loss, who aches when I cry “This just isn’t fair!”, who truly feels my pain, He weeps. And in His tears, in that sacred space called sorrow, I know God is there.”   © Jim Chaffee

This excerpt is from the blog post by a dear lady named Dianne. Please read her heartfelt post at: http://amyelomawidowsjourney.blogspot.in/2014/05/there-is-love.html

I skipped lunch only to find comfort that a friend had an interview close by. Someone to share lunch with. Yay! This day has some good bits. Had a lovely time. got back to write this post. I finally found my freedom to write again. Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy Name!

Find the amazing song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3K3roEF36k

Have a nice day, a nice week and a great year. Pressing onward, leaving the weight of yesterday, setting my eyes on that which lies at the end of this life on earth—a crown, Jesus and eternal life. Just a while, my journey will be done. Only the Father knows when. Jesus give me grace to get through.

To honour you


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Today, I will do something different. They say a picture can speak a thousand words. It has been 2.5 months since my mother went to be with Jesus. Words fail me, and I lack the ability to write much on this blog without tears streaming my eyes. I can’t cry much except when I write or when I am with people I am comfortable with. Since, I do most of my writing when I am in office, I avoid it as I am a private person. I surely do  not want anyone to see my tears, it is not something I can do. I am trying slowly to get back to writing again. However, for starters today I will just share a photograph that is close to my heart. It is me standing with my mom and sister on one of the darkest days of our lives. Along with it, I will share a poem I came across. The inspiration has come from http://www.withswallowswings.com/2010/09/to-honor-you/. I would like to credit her to helping me cry and let go some. Love and blessings to her and all of you that read this. I apologize for such a sombre post as this. Hugs and kisses. Szia.

stand with uPhoto courtesy: Punks at http://pankhuribajaj.com

To Honor You

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile

And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,

I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,

And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,

Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

-Connie F. Kiefer Byrd

Ode to my first best friend in the world

I miss you.

You were a part of me since I could remember.

A bond beyond any other.

We were a team.

Tears stream down gently, but my cries are silent.

Everyone expects grief from me.

But I can’t grieve.

Because I know you are better off.

I saw your agony, the pain, the torture.

Your eyes like a little lamb.

Sign the DNR,

My hands could never get near that piece of paper.

Doctor fight hard.

She has to come back.

She always won through Jesus, I thought

With long life, He said.

There the organs failed.

I still believed.

Prayed, cried… He heard.

But her cries were far louder than mine.

He heard her.

She has had enough.

Time to have this precious one in my arms.

Where no enemy can touch her.

No one can harm or betray her.

Come my innocent lamb, come home.

He called her.

She heard me cry.

She wondered which way to go.

She had many promises to keep,

Miles to go before the great sleep.

But had no strength to walk anymore.

So the Lord opened a new door.

Gave her wings like an angel to fly.

I’ll take care of my sheep, He told her.

Come to me my love… She went.

Leaving me here, to wonder.

Does she remember me?

Will she be waiting?

Or too busy in awe of heaven’s splendor

I hope it’s the latter.

She worried too much.

It was time for her to rest.

I take comfort that she is wholesome now.

People see me.

They look for signs.

No sign of grief? How can she smile.

I still smile wider.

Cos I realize a victory was won.

She lives eternally.

Indeed God’s promise true.

Death where is your sting?

Grave where is your victory?

She’s out of your reach!

Yay! I smile with tears filling my heart.

Lessons from an ICU waiting room

In an ICU waiting room, I learnt so much:
A) When doctors give up, the Lord is still at work.
B) Doctors also submit to God and have no control over outcomes.
C) When someone loses a loved one, it is hard to comfort them with words. So, don’t use any. The warmth of your presence and your sincere offer to help works wonders.
D) Waiting is hard, but it’s worth it most times.
E) Jesus Christ is the hope if glory. If you have this hope in you, you can give others hope too.
F) When sleep doesn’t come easy and you’re missing home, just read a book… It calms you down and let’s exhaustion do it’s trick.
G) Mornings are more beautiful when you’re surrounded by people that wish you a warm good morning and smile. So, pick a place among happy people.

Though it’s hard, hold on to the Word of God, because after every night there is a dawn.
Keep a keen ear to hear God’s voice. He gave me this word and has been faithful to keep it:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope (Jer 29:11).”
Trust Jesus, He is worthy of your trust and so much more.

Fighting hope


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Startling news,

Changing views,

Cancer threat,

Hastened breath,

Altered life,

Struggling strife,

Yet hope,

Still scope!

Body tired,

Spirit fired,

Soldier fighting,

Jesus reviving,

New story,

Father’s glory,

Rest assured,

I’m restored!

Some leave,

Friends cleave,

Heart thankful,

God graceful,

Companions filtered,

Buddies metered,

Faithful remain,

I gain!

Phew! Thank God I made it to 30!


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God has a plan

On occasion of me making it to the landmark 30th year of my life. Three decades gone by, truly thanks to the Lord’s wonderful grace. I am not sad about being older. Truly I am not. Some people I know have not even made it to 30. Some of my near and dear ones have not lived to see 2014. I love and miss them today. I thanked God for sending such wonderful people into my life. Yes they may be no more a part of my life but at least once in my life and for a certain span of time I came across them. I thought I would list out all the wonderful things that ever happened in my life and the great lessons I have learnt. So here goes:
> The first and one of the best gifts I ever got in my life was and is the best mom in the world. She is the first person I ever met and is my first and bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thank you God for her. I know with long life and joy you will satisfy her and show her your salvation.
> I had the best grandparents in the world. They mostly never agreed with my parents but they never ceased to love me silly. They even spoilt me and kept my naughty secrets. I truly miss having them in my life.
> I learnt at a very young age on how to adapt to new environments and to make friends easily with any and every one thanks to my almost nomad-like life in my childhood and early teens.
> I learnt that every culture and country has its pros and cons, and that I had to make do with the pros and work through the cons.
> Holding on to cultural biases and having a stereotypical view of a particular clan or sect of people always closes your mind; you may even lose an opportunity to have a really great friend. Plus, Jesus has commanded us to love people, especially the ones that are hard to love (including cannibals).
> Some friendships are not meant to last till death do you part. People grow bored, fight, have differences, and there may be a time to move on. Then there are those friends that never let go and you never let go off. Hold on to those gems! I am blessed with more than one such gem. Thank You Jesus. Bless them!
> I lost to death and accidents (some even mistakes and misunderstandings) really great friends. I learnt that you must not let one day go by without the people you love knowing that you love them. You may not get a second chance. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Unsaid words and broken promises can kill a person.
> Working at having the least number of enemies and maintaining peace with as many as you can is the best way to go. It is better to lose an argument than to lose a person.
> People add more value to your life than money. They also can destroy your life worse than the lack of money. So be wise and careful at people management.
> I prayed with all my heart and with persistence as an innocent child for a sister I could play Barbie with. I got exactly what I wanted–a sister. Even though the doctors said it would be a boy… I knew God answered my prayer, before I even knew there actually was God.
> When I was an anti-religionist, almost atheist who sort of believed in some super power, even then the Lord Jesus healed me of Asthma at the age of 14. It never came back! All glory to Him. Jesus heals everyone and anyone. Even you that do not know Him. There is no disease above Him.
> The best thing that ever happened to me and answered most of the doubts in my mind, healed my broken soul, took me out of the kingdom of darkness, opened my spiritually blind eyes to see I was on the road to the worst hell of an abyss, showed me true love and made me whole with a purpose of living was finding Jesus Christ. He just swooped in and enveloped me with love one fine day in 2001 (Nov or Dec).
> I know this for fact that Jesus is the only Truth, the Way and the Life.
> I have also learnt to let go of things that I want or think I need, surrendering fully to God and resting on Him to work out His will for my life. I know I won’t ever regret it.
> No matter how hard it has been, the Lord always came through for me. Especially in the times when I thought it was the end of the road, He made a new way.
> Those who trust in the Lord Jesus will never be put to shame, they are ever radiant. They lack no good thing and their children never beg for bread.
> I may not be someone great or be the daughter of someone famous, just as Joshua was the son of Nun, I am capable of doing great and valiant things for the Lord.
> My status and promotion doesn’t come from my job or from any person, it comes from the Lord.
> People run after medals, merits and certificates, in the end all that matters is the people who remember you and what they remember you for. Work hard at leaving a legacy behind for your children and the people around you.
> The whole world will forsake you, but the Lord will never forsake you.
> Even though with your eyes you see hurricanes, storms, tornadoes and disasters, remember the Lord is still King over the storm and is in control. Trust Him no matter what it looks like, walk by faith and not by sight.
> If you do not let go of certain people who may be polluting your life or create much white noise and clutter in your life, you are only hindering yourself from being able to have the best life the Lord wants you to lead. Be sensitive to God and let Him take away those relationships that are not meant for you.

I do not know what God has ahead for me. I only have a few hints that He has given me. I look forward to my future in Him and I urge everyone to look forward to what  for He has promised:

Jer 29-11 beachLastly, Jesus has come to give us life and life in abundance or Zoey like it is in Hebrew, a zestful life… So look forward leaving behind the weight of the past. Happy 30th to me in advance and I know that I will experience the goodness of God in the land of the living. LIVE LIFE FOLKS!

A declaration


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This just a short post. This is my declaration to everyone and everything around me. So many storms have come and gone in my life, here I stand because Christ got my life and my hand. Even though the ground be shaken and things unexpectedly hit me, I still stand and bless the name of Jesus Christ, my Saviour. He knows everything better and no matter how much I want to meddle around with things and make them work my way.. It is only His way that I want. He gives and He takes away. I declare that I am blessed, pressed but not crushed, emotional but not broken… I still have faith even though it looks like it is all over, it ain’t over until God says it is over. I declare my Jesus is mighty to save, heal and restore, and I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Watch out for soon I shall have stories of glories to be written and shared here! I believe. I am a believer.

Dear elect


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Dear elect,

Stop running after the small things,
You were called to be in the court of the King.
You think you know who you really are,
But from knowing the truth you are so far.

Jesus says, “My beloved, you are mine,
Take My hand and everything will be fine.
I am the One who sets you free,
Yet you still hang on to the tree,
On which I already died on for you,
Let go, come to Me, I’m faithful and true.”

Forgive, but do not forget


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My thoughts on forgiveness, with a little help from my best friends at church (you know who you are – that wonderful pair the Lord has put in my life)

Revenge surely never won anyone anything! I do not think one should go after all those who wronged them. Having said that, although I am totally for forgiving, I do not think forgetting helped anyone. That would be lying to yourself and denial. Jesus is truth and all about truth. He did forgive the people who crucified Him, but hey guess whom He appeared to? Not the crucifiers, only His disciples and friends. Be nice, yet wise. Oh n don’t forget your Bible says – Therefore, be wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matt 10:16b)… Stop condemning yourself for not being able to forget what someone has done to you and begin to live in freedom knowing that you are loved and the God who loves you got your back. He said – Vengeance is mine. He will deal with those who wronged you. Be set free from the heaviness of unforgiveness. Either the Lord will make them better people or teach them a lesson. Whatever the case be, that’s none of your business! You are no better than anyone else on earth! Remember that you were saved too, you didn’t deserve it, but JESUS DIED FOR YOU!

PS: This was one of the notes I wrote for myself, and thought I might share it, because someone out there might need this. Been struggling with this for a few years. The Lord has thought me about forgiveness and not forgetfulness in the past few months. It has been one awesome season of brokenness and learning. Praise Him!


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