Dear diary


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If I were to write a diary entry today, it would be something like this:

30 March 2015,

Dear diary,

Woke up this morning, everything felt different. I was not in my bed and there were no familiar sounds or disturbances. There was no one to answer the doorbell and I had to jump my self out of stupor and answer the door. I soon realise, the loss, the change, it kicks in. She is not there. I remind myself, take the dog for a walk, cook your own breakfast, feed the dog, get ready for work, it’s a day to wash your hair, uggh it’s Monday morning… Only relief is my sister has a holiday, so for once I can ask her to take the dog for a walk this early and sleep for half an hour more.

I sleep. It helps to forget for a while, and restart the day on a better note. I do not get up for the alarm. I get late. So, no time to ponder, no time for breakfast. That’s okay. Breakfast is no fun anyway, since I make it for myself and there’s no one to talk to.

I’ll head to work and eat my breakfast, there will be strangers around, but at least I won’t feel lonely. I sit in a rickshaw, call my favourite person in the world, just talk because I need to hear a voice. He sings me a song. Wow! the day gets a bit better. I reach office. The routine, breakfast, tea and my thoughts. I wonder since when is it okay for me to eat carbs. It kills to take a bite, because I remember how healthy my breakfast was when mom was around. Boiled eggs, a fresh fruit smoothie and mom talking about random things.

Then I write today, because I think it’s time to let it out. I read. I read about others grief and how they handle it. It gets me to think. Why did I stop writing? Maybe because I was afraid to feel and think. I can do this. I was made to write. I am a writer. I try. I wonder. I try again. Then I write. Begin with a little. Share that precious photograph. The one that speaks to you of strength. So, I share my heart, my grief. My hand trembles as I am about to hit publish. What will people think? They will think I’m whining. It will depress them. I save a draft. Then the thought hits me. I hear the Lord speak. He points out at the comfort I had found in others who dealt with grief. How their words resounded with love and encouragement. How they documented their healing process. How good it feels to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, why not be a hope and light unto others?

I hit publish. It is okay for people to know I am not okay. I do not have to be strong on my own. I can depend on Jesus. I can glorify His name by being in pain and allowing others to see my healing process. Others can see His healing touch in my life. They have to see my sickness first. Did I do something wrong? Did I deserve this loss? The Lord reminds me of the blind man in the Book of John, Chapter 9:

1. Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him

It hurts! I have to trust Him. I sing to myself: Bless the Lord oh my soul!

I sang the song when we carried my mother’s body to the grave. It still comforts me. I still trust God. It is so hard. Then I come across this:

I had forgotten this quote that I shared in my July 5, 2006 journal entry. It held me up then and it holds me up now. It was written by Jim Chaffee, caregiver and husband to his wife, Janice, who died in February 2007 after a 3-year battle with multiple myeloma.
“So when my spirit screams “…where the hell are you, God?” my questioning void is filled with the companionship of the One who cried, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” There is no formula here, people, no four easy steps to lead us into understanding grief, no purpose driven “ah-ha” to explain why all this is happening. Christ simply and passionately hikes up His robe, sits down next to me, pulls my tear-stained face into His chest, and He weeps…He weeps with me, He weeps for my wife, He weeps long, deep, body rattling sobs, with snot and tears dripping from His chin. He weeps. From the bowels of one who has felt forsaken, who has felt loss, who aches when I cry “This just isn’t fair!”, who truly feels my pain, He weeps. And in His tears, in that sacred space called sorrow, I know God is there.”   © Jim Chaffee

This excerpt is from the blog post by a dear lady named Dianne. Please read her heartfelt post at:

I skipped lunch only to find comfort that a friend had an interview close by. Someone to share lunch with. Yay! This day has some good bits. Had a lovely time. got back to write this post. I finally found my freedom to write again. Bless the Lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless His Holy Name!

Find the amazing song here:

Have a nice day, a nice week and a great year. Pressing onward, leaving the weight of yesterday, setting my eyes on that which lies at the end of this life on earth—a crown, Jesus and eternal life. Just a while, my journey will be done. Only the Father knows when. Jesus give me grace to get through.

To honour you


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Today, I will do something different. They say a picture can speak a thousand words. It has been 2.5 months since my mother went to be with Jesus. Words fail me, and I lack the ability to write much on this blog without tears streaming my eyes. I can’t cry much except when I write or when I am with people I am comfortable with. Since, I do most of my writing when I am in office, I avoid it as I am a private person. I surely do  not want anyone to see my tears, it is not something I can do. I am trying slowly to get back to writing again. However, for starters today I will just share a photograph that is close to my heart. It is me standing with my mom and sister on one of the darkest days of our lives. Along with it, I will share a poem I came across. The inspiration has come from I would like to credit her to helping me cry and let go some. Love and blessings to her and all of you that read this. I apologize for such a sombre post as this. Hugs and kisses. Szia.

stand with uPhoto courtesy: Punks at

To Honor You

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile

And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,

I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,

And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,

Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

-Connie F. Kiefer Byrd

Ode to my first best friend in the world

I miss you.

You were a part of me since I could remember.

A bond beyond any other.

We were a team.

Tears stream down gently, but my cries are silent.

Everyone expects grief from me.

But I can’t grieve.

Because I know you are better off.

I saw your agony, the pain, the torture.

Your eyes like a little lamb.

Sign the DNR,

My hands could never get near that piece of paper.

Doctor fight hard.

She has to come back.

She always won through Jesus, I thought

With long life, He said.

There the organs failed.

I still believed.

Prayed, cried… He heard.

But her cries were far louder than mine.

He heard her.

She has had enough.

Time to have this precious one in my arms.

Where no enemy can touch her.

No one can harm or betray her.

Come my innocent lamb, come home.

He called her.

She heard me cry.

She wondered which way to go.

She had many promises to keep,

Miles to go before the great sleep.

But had no strength to walk anymore.

So the Lord opened a new door.

Gave her wings like an angel to fly.

I’ll take care of my sheep, He told her.

Come to me my love… She went.

Leaving me here, to wonder.

Does she remember me?

Will she be waiting?

Or too busy in awe of heaven’s splendor

I hope it’s the latter.

She worried too much.

It was time for her to rest.

I take comfort that she is wholesome now.

People see me.

They look for signs.

No sign of grief? How can she smile.

I still smile wider.

Cos I realize a victory was won.

She lives eternally.

Indeed God’s promise true.

Death where is your sting?

Grave where is your victory?

She’s out of your reach!

Yay! I smile with tears filling my heart.

Lessons from an ICU waiting room

In an ICU waiting room, I learnt so much:
A) When doctors give up, the Lord is still at work.
B) Doctors also submit to God and have no control over outcomes.
C) When someone loses a loved one, it is hard to comfort them with words. So, don’t use any. The warmth of your presence and your sincere offer to help works wonders.
D) Waiting is hard, but it’s worth it most times.
E) Jesus Christ is the hope if glory. If you have this hope in you, you can give others hope too.
F) When sleep doesn’t come easy and you’re missing home, just read a book… It calms you down and let’s exhaustion do it’s trick.
G) Mornings are more beautiful when you’re surrounded by people that wish you a warm good morning and smile. So, pick a place among happy people.

Though it’s hard, hold on to the Word of God, because after every night there is a dawn.
Keep a keen ear to hear God’s voice. He gave me this word and has been faithful to keep it:
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope (Jer 29:11).”
Trust Jesus, He is worthy of your trust and so much more.

Fighting hope


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Startling news,

Changing views,

Cancer threat,

Hastened breath,

Altered life,

Struggling strife,

Yet hope,

Still scope!

Body tired,

Spirit fired,

Soldier fighting,

Jesus reviving,

New story,

Father’s glory,

Rest assured,

I’m restored!

Some leave,

Friends cleave,

Heart thankful,

God graceful,

Companions filtered,

Buddies metered,

Faithful remain,

I gain!

Phew! Thank God I made it to 30!


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God has a plan

On occasion of me making it to the landmark 30th year of my life. Three decades gone by, truly thanks to the Lord’s wonderful grace. I am not sad about being older. Truly I am not. Some people I know have not even made it to 30. Some of my near and dear ones have not lived to see 2014. I love and miss them today. I thanked God for sending such wonderful people into my life. Yes they may be no more a part of my life but at least once in my life and for a certain span of time I came across them. I thought I would list out all the wonderful things that ever happened in my life and the great lessons I have learnt. So here goes:
> The first and one of the best gifts I ever got in my life was and is the best mom in the world. She is the first person I ever met and is my first and bestest friend in the whole wide world. Thank you God for her. I know with long life and joy you will satisfy her and show her your salvation.
> I had the best grandparents in the world. They mostly never agreed with my parents but they never ceased to love me silly. They even spoilt me and kept my naughty secrets. I truly miss having them in my life.
> I learnt at a very young age on how to adapt to new environments and to make friends easily with any and every one thanks to my almost nomad-like life in my childhood and early teens.
> I learnt that every culture and country has its pros and cons, and that I had to make do with the pros and work through the cons.
> Holding on to cultural biases and having a stereotypical view of a particular clan or sect of people always closes your mind; you may even lose an opportunity to have a really great friend. Plus, Jesus has commanded us to love people, especially the ones that are hard to love (including cannibals).
> Some friendships are not meant to last till death do you part. People grow bored, fight, have differences, and there may be a time to move on. Then there are those friends that never let go and you never let go off. Hold on to those gems! I am blessed with more than one such gem. Thank You Jesus. Bless them!
> I lost to death and accidents (some even mistakes and misunderstandings) really great friends. I learnt that you must not let one day go by without the people you love knowing that you love them. You may not get a second chance. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. Unsaid words and broken promises can kill a person.
> Working at having the least number of enemies and maintaining peace with as many as you can is the best way to go. It is better to lose an argument than to lose a person.
> People add more value to your life than money. They also can destroy your life worse than the lack of money. So be wise and careful at people management.
> I prayed with all my heart and with persistence as an innocent child for a sister I could play Barbie with. I got exactly what I wanted–a sister. Even though the doctors said it would be a boy… I knew God answered my prayer, before I even knew there actually was God.
> When I was an anti-religionist, almost atheist who sort of believed in some super power, even then the Lord Jesus healed me of Asthma at the age of 14. It never came back! All glory to Him. Jesus heals everyone and anyone. Even you that do not know Him. There is no disease above Him.
> The best thing that ever happened to me and answered most of the doubts in my mind, healed my broken soul, took me out of the kingdom of darkness, opened my spiritually blind eyes to see I was on the road to the worst hell of an abyss, showed me true love and made me whole with a purpose of living was finding Jesus Christ. He just swooped in and enveloped me with love one fine day in 2001 (Nov or Dec).
> I know this for fact that Jesus is the only Truth, the Way and the Life.
> I have also learnt to let go of things that I want or think I need, surrendering fully to God and resting on Him to work out His will for my life. I know I won’t ever regret it.
> No matter how hard it has been, the Lord always came through for me. Especially in the times when I thought it was the end of the road, He made a new way.
> Those who trust in the Lord Jesus will never be put to shame, they are ever radiant. They lack no good thing and their children never beg for bread.
> I may not be someone great or be the daughter of someone famous, just as Joshua was the son of Nun, I am capable of doing great and valiant things for the Lord.
> My status and promotion doesn’t come from my job or from any person, it comes from the Lord.
> People run after medals, merits and certificates, in the end all that matters is the people who remember you and what they remember you for. Work hard at leaving a legacy behind for your children and the people around you.
> The whole world will forsake you, but the Lord will never forsake you.
> Even though with your eyes you see hurricanes, storms, tornadoes and disasters, remember the Lord is still King over the storm and is in control. Trust Him no matter what it looks like, walk by faith and not by sight.
> If you do not let go of certain people who may be polluting your life or create much white noise and clutter in your life, you are only hindering yourself from being able to have the best life the Lord wants you to lead. Be sensitive to God and let Him take away those relationships that are not meant for you.

I do not know what God has ahead for me. I only have a few hints that He has given me. I look forward to my future in Him and I urge everyone to look forward to what  for He has promised:

Jer 29-11 beachLastly, Jesus has come to give us life and life in abundance or Zoey like it is in Hebrew, a zestful life… So look forward leaving behind the weight of the past. Happy 30th to me in advance and I know that I will experience the goodness of God in the land of the living. LIVE LIFE FOLKS!

A declaration


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This just a short post. This is my declaration to everyone and everything around me. So many storms have come and gone in my life, here I stand because Christ got my life and my hand. Even though the ground be shaken and things unexpectedly hit me, I still stand and bless the name of Jesus Christ, my Saviour. He knows everything better and no matter how much I want to meddle around with things and make them work my way.. It is only His way that I want. He gives and He takes away. I declare that I am blessed, pressed but not crushed, emotional but not broken… I still have faith even though it looks like it is all over, it ain’t over until God says it is over. I declare my Jesus is mighty to save, heal and restore, and I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Watch out for soon I shall have stories of glories to be written and shared here! I believe. I am a believer.

Dear elect


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Dear elect,

Stop running after the small things,
You were called to be in the court of the King.
You think you know who you really are,
But from knowing the truth you are so far.

Jesus says, “My beloved, you are mine,
Take My hand and everything will be fine.
I am the One who sets you free,
Yet you still hang on to the tree,
On which I already died on for you,
Let go, come to Me, I’m faithful and true.”

Forgive, but do not forget


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My thoughts on forgiveness, with a little help from my best friends at church (you know who you are – that wonderful pair the Lord has put in my life)

Revenge surely never won anyone anything! I do not think one should go after all those who wronged them. Having said that, although I am totally for forgiving, I do not think forgetting helped anyone. That would be lying to yourself and denial. Jesus is truth and all about truth. He did forgive the people who crucified Him, but hey guess whom He appeared to? Not the crucifiers, only His disciples and friends. Be nice, yet wise. Oh n don’t forget your Bible says – Therefore, be wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matt 10:16b)… Stop condemning yourself for not being able to forget what someone has done to you and begin to live in freedom knowing that you are loved and the God who loves you got your back. He said – Vengeance is mine. He will deal with those who wronged you. Be set free from the heaviness of unforgiveness. Either the Lord will make them better people or teach them a lesson. Whatever the case be, that’s none of your business! You are no better than anyone else on earth! Remember that you were saved too, you didn’t deserve it, but JESUS DIED FOR YOU!

PS: This was one of the notes I wrote for myself, and thought I might share it, because someone out there might need this. Been struggling with this for a few years. The Lord has thought me about forgiveness and not forgetfulness in the past few months. It has been one awesome season of brokenness and learning. Praise Him!

My apology


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Dear all who subscribe, read or have accidentally dropped by my blog,Image

This is me saying sorry. Sorry because I have not kept up my word of publishing at least once a week. I have let weeds grow in this beautiful scribecorner. I know how disappointing it gets when you visit a blog you follow and there is nothing new. And, so I apologise for all the disappointment and plan to write at least a line or two more often. 

I have in a way gone through a season of learning. My gosh have I learnt something! I have prayed some difficult prayers and let go of some things that I held dear to my heart. I let go not because of a promise of something better or bigger. Not because I would get richer and prosperous. Just a simple reason, loving the Lord, more than anything else in my life. I am not all giggly and jumping around full of laughter, nor do I experience an imaginary bloom of roses wherever I go. Mirth seems quite far from me. I have been broken and have struggled. At times, I am speechless, dazed and forget things I normally would not, and then I go through times of trying to forget the painful things that have happened. I find myself retreating into a shell, as I know no one in this world could really take a broken heart. People find it hard to deal with brokenness and so I follow the line: when you have nothing pleasing to say, do not say a thing! I am coming out of that phase, only to realise that I need to reach out to others, who are broken and grieving. He comforts me to be a comfort to them. I thank Him for giving me wisdom and understanding to reach out to those who are hurting. To cry with them, to be there for them, even if I have no words.

However, here I am to break my unproductive thoughts and feelings, I am writing through Christ, my comfort and hope. My salvation. My Lord, my Light, my Source, my Inspiration, my Healer, my Provider, my Protector, my Avenger, my Lover, my All-in-all, not just my first but my everything and so much more. Every time I am cast down and the floodgates open a steady stream of tears down my cheeks, I sense His love and powerful embrace. It has been extremely difficult for me to get down to writing this, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I am back, back with purpose, with God’s Word in my hand, heart and mind, to trample down the works of the enemy! Truth has prevailed, Jesus has triumphed, death has been defeated and the grave has been denied. Jesus is alive, and I have abundant life through Him. Through His resurrection power that dwells in me, I stand, I write, I speak, I live, I do, I move and have my being! Be strong and of good cheer, for His promises are Yes and Amen. He never lies. No matter how bad it is, He will turn it out to work for your good, if you love and trust Him. I testify to that, for He has begun something good in me. For He is my comfort. Although the nights are long and frightful, He is close. I picture myself, the Heavenly Father’s daughter, resting my head on my Abba’s lap, while He sings me to sleep. Be comforted all you saints of God, for your redemption is near and glorious is your future full of hope and promise. Thank you Lord for this day and the strength and words to write. 

Love to all who read this,




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